Antimemoires

MCHHJK

2005-12-25T20:30:49Z

MERRY CHRISTMAST, HAPPY (C)HANNUKAH, JOYOUS KWANZAA!

Chicago is rainy and cloudy and blech. I'm going back to Brooklyn tomorrow. I'm actually finally in the mood to just hang out here in Chicago for at least another few days. But I miss Danny terribly and it'll be nice to just get some extra dinero and what not.

Also, I had a lovely little dinner at the Daley's yesterday, it's good to see everyone.

I'm also amassing a team of specialists at the University of Chicago for Mom.

Um, what else? I gave mom some Jacques Torres chocolate and I want my tongue to always be smothered in it. C'est (s?)ci bon!

Oh and I've started to talk to this Spaniard I met in Iceland one random night who was totally fuckin' awesome. To find yourself in a little coffee shop in Aakureyri at the Arctic Circle speaking Spanish with some guy and some kids from Japan? How nuts is this place?!

Oh, one last thing, my Dad got me BU(LL)SHIT!: An A-Z guide to the Bush Attack on Truth, Justice, Equality and the American Way of Life. Oh pops, you know me so well.

Chicago

2005-11-23T09:14:43Z

I'm back in Chicago. It's like I'm being carried through by the ghost of Thanksgiving Day past.

Blogspot

2005-10-21T04:58:11Z

Check it bitches: http://cvaldaisnotbig.blogspot.com/

I forgot I had this...

2005-10-21T04:36:50Z

MONDAY AFTERNOON, 1-2 P.M. OROZCO ROOM, THE NEW SCHOOL, 7TH FLOOR.

I'm giving a lecture on rapid global climate change. You better show up bitches, I'm doing a slideshow. Email me with questions.

Gave Up

2005-07-28T04:26:36Z

I gave up on this thing a while back, just check out my Blogger site:

http://cvaldaisnotbig.blogger.com

Or my Flickr site:

http://flickr.com/photos/cvalda/

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-25T21:02:00

2005-05-26T02:02:54Z

Dispatches From Couples Therapy.
BY WENDY MOLYNEUX AND JEFF DRAKE

- - - -

Session One

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ...

JEFF: Um, listen more?

DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow.

WENDY: Yes?

DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice.

WENDY: Thank you.

JEFF: Yeah, you look great.

DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff.

Session Two

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ...

JEFF: Smile.

DR. MANSFIELD: Try again.

JEFF: Eyes?

DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound)

JEFF: Sense of humor.

DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits.

Session Three

DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ...

JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks?

DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna cum laude from Stanford?

JEFF: No, but I was just asking—

DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list?

JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.

DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank.

JEFF: OK.

DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ...

JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute.

DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ...

JEFF: This is ridiculous.

DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous.

Session Four

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing.

JEFF: Oh, no.

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin.

JEFF: Wait, what am I?

DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey.

JEFF: Why am I a monkey?

DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk?

JEFF: Sorry.

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap.

JEFF: No way.

DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench?

JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate.

DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar.

WENDY: That's OK. He's cute!

DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants.

JEFF: That's it. We're leaving.

DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid fucking idiot.

Session Five

WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley—

DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley.

WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist.

JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear.

DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot.

JEFF: Um, thanks?

DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants?

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-25T20:59:00

2005-05-26T02:00:00Z

"Yesterday"
BY THE BEATLES

In the recent past, every one of my dilemmas gave the impression of being so distantly absent.

At the present, it seems as though they're at this time to hang about.

Oh, I accept as true the recent past.

Abruptly, I'm not partially the gentleman I used to exist as.

There's a silhouette suspended on top of me.

Oh, the recent past approached abruptly.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-25T20:57:00

2005-05-26T01:57:45Z

PICKUP LINES USED BY MARIO.
By Christopher Doody

"Are you a magic feather? Because my heart just grew a tail, and flew away."

"If you were a warp tube, I'd be in you all day."

"Are you a magic mushroom? Because you are making me grow."

"Are you a magic flower? Because you are burning me up."

"I'd rather ride you than Yoshi any day."

"If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago."

"If I had the choice, I would gladly spend my 100 coins on you instead of on an extra life."

"You don't have to turn on a game to play with me."

"They don't call me Super for nothing."

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-18T18:27:00

2005-05-18T23:32:22Z

So I'm back home finally, but the Internet is down. So, I lied. I'm actually at the Starbucks on Lincoln and Roscoe, in Chicago.

But alas I just bought my ticket to Alaska. June 7th to Aug. 23rd.

New York City was fun and depressing at the same time. Lunch with the Veep of Bloomingdale's atop the Met, dancing with Gideon Yago and the uber-gay from Project Runway at the MisShapes party at Luke & Leroy's, 12 week ritualistic sleepovers, wine by way of mug on the boy's couch in the street in Chelsea... the usual.

So yeah, that's that. Hope all's well with you all.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-07T22:01:00

2005-05-08T03:04:05Z

There will six hundred and four thousand eight hundred seconds for those of you residing in the New York metropolitan area starting Tuesday afternoon to bask in my glory.

Can you feel the love?

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-05-07T20:11:00

2005-05-08T01:11:51Z

The bitch is back. What more can I say?

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-03-23T12:35:00

2005-03-23T17:35:13Z

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-03-10T22:30:00

2005-03-11T03:38:12Z

Never am I ever where I ever really am.

I'm looking for the greenest--always.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-03-10T16:10:00

2005-03-10T21:13:40Z

My horoscope said I needed to have some personal time. This is what I did with it.

(X) snuck out of a house
(X) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
(X) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(X) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) made out in an elevator
( ) slept in an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(X) been high
(X) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) done the splits
(X) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches
(X) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(X) stole something from your job
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(X) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) Eaten Sushi
(X) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
(X) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Cut yourself on purpose
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs (Ectasy Does Counts)
( ) tried killing yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now

That last bit was a bit depressing, eh?

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-03-09T20:37:00

2005-03-10T01:36:36Z

Never have I ever had a more erotic class then today when I learned about the 4 stroke diesel engine.

Suck

Squeeze

Bang

Blow

Lubricate the head of the shaft of the piston.

My GOD.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-27T11:21:00

2005-02-27T16:22:15Z

WORST

NIGHT

EVER

It took a lot of will power to stay alive this morning, let's just leave it at that.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-16T17:53:00

2005-02-16T22:50:04Z

In case you've been wondering where I am, I fell off the earth and landed in Cape Cod. My new temporary LJ is at:

Cvalda_at_sea

Look it up bitches.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-04T15:51:00

2005-02-04T21:52:17Z

I take back whatever I said about LaCie before, they just returned my hard drive with all my photos on it, sans ones taken from the time I bought my Digital Rebel to the summer of '04.

PHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-03T17:11:00

2005-02-03T23:12:16Z

I've launched a second journal for my time at SEA which you can reach here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/cvalda_at_sea/

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-03T16:42:00

2005-02-03T22:42:47Z

So I sit on the chair and the woman puts a thing on my nose and then a man sticks a needle in me which I see filling up with blood. Then the woman who put the thing on my nose puts things on my wrists and a thing on my index finger, stands besides me and says,"Alright, where do we want to go today?" and then she says, "How about New Zealand."

Two hours later I wake up on a cot in a different room like this, my mouth stuffed of gauze:

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-03T16:16:00

2005-02-03T22:18:19Z

Julia Gazdag and anyone else who was in my freshman peer advising class:

David Letterman is producing "Strangers with Candy - THE MOVIE!"

You may now proceed with the fainting.

In other news, I'm drugged up on who knows what and I can't feel the bottom half of my face.

Peace y'all.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-02T22:15:00

2005-02-03T05:07:52Z

While flipping channels a moment ago I left my stereo playing the audio from an episode of Jackass where Johnny was having an eight ball dropped on his junk and flipped to one of the PBS channels in Chicago and saw a bulldozer moving bodies into a mass grave from an episode of Auschwitz.

I don't know what to say...

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-02T16:32:00

2005-02-02T22:33:15Z

I want to dance to le dance music in le discotheques.

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-02T12:12:00

2005-02-02T18:13:06Z

Watch the Coulterbot malfunction:

http://movies.ziaspace.com/ann_coulter_fifth_estate.mov

cvaldaisnotbig @ 2005-02-02T01:24:00

2005-02-02T07:26:20Z

I just watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and it's delicious to say the least. I felt like a 10 year old boy who just bought a new favorite comic book. Speaking of which, I want to dig up some of my old ones.

Also, on Charlie Rose this evening they had the president of Rockefeller University and that guy is my new living hero.

Finally, those of you who know the amazing K. C. should join the fanclub I created for her on thefacebook.